I still really don’t have a ton of pregnancy symptoms.  I don’t know if they’re being overshadowed by the pneumonia symptoms or what, but I wouldn’t mind feeling SOMETHING to make me feel pregnant.  All I’m really feeling right now is just some boob pain and a little bloating.  The queasiness I had earlier in the month seems to have abated a bit.  I have read that can happen as the body gets used to the increased hormones, so I’m trying not to panic.    I have to wait until 4/13 for the next ultrasound and that just seems so far away.   I don’t know how I’m going to survive the wait.   I know it’s less than 2 weeks now, but time goes by so slowly when you’re paranoid.

I’m still sick.  I keep running a fever every 4-5 hours and have coughing fits that won’t quit.  I’m going to see my primary care doc today and am hoping she can give me drugs that will work.  I haven’t slept through the night in the last 3, and am completely exhausted and weak.  I try to eat as much as I can, yet have no appetite.  I’m drinking a lot of gatorade to stay hydrated though, and keep taking all of my meds and pre-natal vitamins.   I worry that the fever is “cooking” the baby so I take Tylenol every 4 hours (doctor’s orders) to keep it away, then I start to worry about the impact of all of that Tylenol on my liver.    I really think I’m going to be paranoid for the next 34 weeks at least.

Last night I had a “scare” when I went to the bathroom.   This is a TMI alert…if you’re squeamish you might want to skip to the next paragraph.  If you keep reading, don’t say I didn’t warn you.   OK, so I’m on the Crinone 8% progesterone gel, which is inserted vaginally at night right before bed so it can be absorbed and not drip out during the day.  Kinda like having a yeast infection for 12 whole weeks!!!  Anyway,  when I went to the bathroom last night there was this horrible reddish brown discharge on the toilet paper, which to me looked like blood.    But, upon further self examination I determined it wasn’t blood but residue from the gel.   I went to the trusty internet and found that this is a normal “oxidation” side effect of the gel and happens to just about everyone.  Whew!   Crisis averted!

I called my oldest friend today for advice/wisdom, as she has had 2 miscarriages, followed by a healthy set of twins.   She basically said that I’ll really never get over the fear.  It will always be in the back of my head, but will ease with every doctor’s appointment and every sonogram.  The hard part is getting to the point where I start to show or until the baby moves and makes its presence known on a regular basis.  I’m thinking that probably won’t happen again until week 16, which is when I felt my son move for the first time.   So, I’m doomed to 10 weeks of fear.   I’m going to try really hard to not let it get to me and try to reduce my stress during this time.   Maybe I’ll even get back to prenatal yoga.  We’ll see–have to get over pneumonia first.   Right now, I’m just lying on the couch

So, they sent me to the maternal fetal specialists with the higher grade ultrasound machines, and the sonographer and doctor there were able to find the little one and we even got to see the heartbeat.   The fetus is as small as a grain of rice and the heart just started beating.  It was simply an amazing sight.

Because my progesterone dipped from 14.3 to 11.3, I am now being supplemented with progesterone suppositories (vaginal) to help boost my levels there.   This will probably make me really pukey, but it’s worth it in the long run.

The not-so-good news is that I ran a fever today of 102 degrees, and my doc said if it went that high I needed to go into urgent care for a throat culture.  So I did and I have strep and the beginnings of pneumonia with fluid in my lungs.   He couldn’t x-ray me because of the baby, but could hear the fluid so I’m being treated with antibiotics for both conditions.  Yippee–just one more thing to stress about, right?

I’m trying to attach some ultrasound pictures.   They’re not that much to look at right now, but they’re mine and I’m proud!

I am so freaked out and stressed right now.    I’m trying to think positively and just hope that time-wise we’re off a few days and those few days make a difference.   However, I basically know when hubby and I did some baby dancing in February and don’t think the dates are that far off.    I can call tomorrow for the blood results, we’re hoping for progesterone around 20 and hcg above 5000.  

The not knowing is still the absolute hardest part.  I feel like someone is pulling me in all different directions and I have no idea where I will wind up.   Every twinge/cramp sends my heart racing.   It’s so hard to live like this.

I told my  hubby today that if I miscarry again I’m not sure if I want to even try anymore.   This is a horrid form of psychological torture.

I’ll try to think positively for a few minutes here.  My dress pants are getting tighter around the abdomen now, which most of the time would be a downer but for the next 8 months is definitely positive.   I almost popped a button today!    I’m not as tired as I thought I would be, but could definitely use an afternoon nap most days.   On the converse, I am suffering from insomnia at night, mostly because I can’t take my melatonin.   However, the positive there is that I’m getting more reading done at night and I love to read!    I tried on my maternity pants over the weekend, and somehow they actually fit despite the fact that I have gained some weight since I was pregnant with my son.  I was shocked and am convinced that they wouldn’t fit if I hadn’t dropped 15 lbs before getting pregnant again.

OK, so there.  I was positive for a couple of minutes.   I am praying that tomorrow goes well.   I can’t wait to start telling my parents, hubby’s parents, siblings.  I’m saving work, friends, etc…for later, but want to tell the family as soon as possible.   My dad just had a knee replacement on Monday, so I know that this would be just the news to perk him up!

I used up the last HPT yesterday, so my obsession has come to an end simply because I do not want to spend anymore money on tests. Well, I say that today but tomorrow I might have the urge to run to the store and stock up again. The test from yesterday was positive after 30 seconds, so I take it as a good sign. Maybe the luck of the Irish will be with me this month, but alas the green beer will not.

I think this obsession comes from the fact that in February, before the miscarriage, the lines on the tests never got darker. This was explained by the fact that my hcg levels did not rise.

I love seeing the positive results show up because it means that I’m really pregnant. I know it doesn’t mean that I won’t have another miscarriage or that anything won’t be wrong, but right now until I see that first ultrasound I just don’t believe that this could really be happening.

I should get a call from the doctor tomorrow to talk about a game plan for the next few weeks. I’m hoping that we will be able to schedule the ultrasound then too, but don’t want to get my hopes up. Fingers crossed!

One would think that since neither M nor S has a penis, getting pregnant would be a trifle difficult and could take a few tries. HA! M got pregnant on the very first IUI. Are you kidding me?

I made a joke to my husband about 2 months ago, when they first started talking about getting pregnant, that I was going to freak out if they got pregnant before me. AND THEY DID. I am very excited and happy for them, but just shocked at how it can be so easy for some people and so difficult for others even if they do have all of the proper body parts for reproduction.

If I wasn’t pregnant myself, this announcement would have absolutely crushed me. I’m just glad that I have my own joy, and will hopefully, God willing, be able to share it with the world soon.

I have a really bad cold right now and  unfortunately I can’t take anything “good” to combat the symptoms.   I am allowed to take mucinex, but not sudafed which is what I really need.  I would love to take a big swig of NyQuil too, but that’s another no-no.   Oh well.   I’ll gladly suffer than deal with the alternative.    However, the fatigue from all of the hormones and the lack of sleep because of the congestion are wiping me out.  I hope to get a better night’s sleep tonight.