Today I resigned myself to the fact that I think I’m going to be nervous this entire pregnancy. Every twinge, pain, trickle sends my brain into a panic. Even though it has been only 2 days since my sonogram, I still don’t believe it and spend every other minute wondering whether the baby is still alive. I almost wish my husband were Tom Cruise and he could afford to buy me an in home ultrasound machine and technician at my beck and call anytime I want to see the little one. (I realize this is probably not healthy for the baby, but would give me peace of mind no doubt.)
Last night I had a “scare” when I went to the bathroom. This is a TMI alert…if you’re squeamish you might want to skip to the next paragraph. If you keep reading, don’t say I didn’t warn you. OK, so I’m on the Crinone 8% progesterone gel, which is inserted vaginally at night right before bed so it can be absorbed and not drip out during the day. Kinda like having a yeast infection for 12 whole weeks!!! Anyway, when I went to the bathroom last night there was this horrible reddish brown discharge on the toilet paper, which to me looked like blood. But, upon further self examination I determined it wasn’t blood but residue from the gel. I went to the trusty internet and found that this is a normal “oxidation” side effect of the gel and happens to just about everyone. Whew! Crisis averted!
I called my oldest friend today for advice/wisdom, as she has had 2 miscarriages, followed by a healthy set of twins. She basically said that I’ll really never get over the fear. It will always be in the back of my head, but will ease with every doctor’s appointment and every sonogram. The hard part is getting to the point where I start to show or until the baby moves and makes its presence known on a regular basis. I’m thinking that probably won’t happen again until week 16, which is when I felt my son move for the first time. So, I’m doomed to 10 weeks of fear. I’m going to try really hard to not let it get to me and try to reduce my stress during this time. Maybe I’ll even get back to prenatal yoga. We’ll see–have to get over pneumonia first. Right now, I’m just lying on the couch 
