Emotional hell

I went to the doctor today and everything is progressing the way a miscarriage is supposed to.   My body seems to be taking care of things well enough on its own, so he doesn’t think I need a D&C or other intervention.    The cramping is horrible, almost contraction-like, but I took an oxycodone (leftover from surgery in September) and that has definitely taken the edge off.

My beta hcg went all the way down to 2 and the progesterone dropped as well.   My doctor doesn’t think that the miscarriage was specifically because of my hormone issues, but it’s too hard to know 100% since it was so early in the game.   The guess is that something just wasn’t right and the embryo just stopped growing.   

So, now we really do know that 100 mg of Clomid + Premarin + the metformin is the right “fertility cocktail.”    I just have to wait for 2 full cycles before we can start TTC again, so that probably won’t be until April at least.   That is frustrating, but it is what it is.   I can’t change it….can only move on from here.

I’m still an emotional wreck and start crying at weird times, but even that is getting better.   Trying to focus on the positive and hope for the best for the future.

Game over

As I was waiting in the lab this morning for my bloodwork, I noticed very intense cramping.   By the time the bloodwork was done and I could make it to the bathroom, the bleeding had started with fury.   I called the doctor’s office and there is nothing he can do for me.  Game over.   I go in tomorrow to get the blood test results and I guess  come up with a game plan. 

I am in quite a bit of physical pain from the cramping, like the worst period ever x 100, but the psychological pain is so much worse.   I alternate between sobbing, getting pissed off,  back to sobbing, to completely numb.    This just sucks.

Not getting darker

The lines on the pregnancy tests I take every morning are not really getting darker…they basically just stay the same.   I don’t have much hope, but am really trying to stay positive and not think about it every second of every day.  I go back tomorrow for another beta hcg test, but I’m pretty sure the number won’t go up much.

So naturally my mind wanders to the question of what happens next?    If the pregnancy isn’t viable, will they just let me miscarry on my own?   How long will this take?   How long will I have to walk around like this until my body says enough is enough?    Is there anything they can do to just make it get over with faster?  

The questions and not knowing are so hard.   I still pray everyday for a happy ending, but refuse to get my hopes up just to have them crushed on Tuesday.   I have never wanted a weekend to end so fast in my whole life.

Beta results

I got the beta (hcg) test results today and they were not “good”–they were a positive result at 22 (anything over 5 is considered a positive) but on the very low end of normal.   The nurse said this could be because it’s still really early OR it could be sign of a problem.   I have to repeat the test on Monday to find out.  If the levels are rising, and it had better be a considerable rise, things should be OK.  But, if they don’t…well, I guess it would be considered an early miscarriage.  

I am on pins and needles with worry/anticipation.    I don’t want to get my hopes up because I just don’t have a good gut feeling.    I don’t know how I’m going to make it through until Tuesday w/o a real answer.    I want to Google everything in sight, but know that’s probably counterproductive and might just make things worse.  

So, if you’re reading this and the praying type, I could use a few right now.   Please send them my way!

We wait some more…

OK, so I took an internet cheapie again this morning and got a faint 2nd line.   So, I went out and bought another 3pk of the First Response ER tests.  I took one of those in the middle of the afternoon and got another faint 2nd line.   So that made 4 tests with all faint 2nd lines!  

I couldn’t wait any longer, so I called my doc who immediately wrote the orders for a beta (hcg) and a progesterone check.   Doc said that the results should be available tomorrow afternoon and that I can call in for them.   I’m kind of petrified of this phone call.   I will have to call while I’m at work and I’m afraid that if it’s bad news I will have a big old breakdown.    I do have my “best work friend” who knows we have been trying, so I might pull her into a conference room with me when I make that phone call.   If DH can’t be around, I’ll need some sort of support system in place.

I’ll take another FRER test tomorrow–hoping for a darker line this time so that I’ll feel better about calling for the test results.    I don’t really have many symptoms other than my boobs are really sore, the veins are so dark and prominent on them too, and I feel very bloated/full in the abdomen.   This morning I was queasy, but that passed quickly.   

Doc had me make an appointment for Feb 24th.   If I am pregnant it will be my first prenatal visit with an ultrasound to check on the work in progress.   If not, it will give us a chance to regroup to figure out the next plan of action.    Either way, it was good to talk to my doc today and have his encouragement/support/guidance.   I have a really great OB!

Starting to wonder…

I took the internet cheapie test this morning.   It took a few minutes, but there is definitely a faint second line.    I’m floored.  I really expected a conclusive BFN, but now to me this result is still inconclusive.   I’m terribly afraid of evaporation lines, because I have been there, done that before.   I guess I’ll try again tomorrow morning–oh the torture of having to wait another 22 hours!–with another cheapie.   If this one gives me another line, I’m switching to digital to make sure.    I’m so trying to keep my expectations realistic.  Some women consider themselves “pregnant until proven otherwise” (PUPO) but I always think “not pregnant until proven otherwise.”   I guess I’m just a pessimist after 18 months of TTC.

I guess I could call my doctor’s office and see if he will write an order for a beta and a progesterone check.    For some reason though, I would rather get the news from a stick than have someone call me and break my heart over the phone.  I don’t know if I can handle that kind of abuse.

What the heck?

So, I took another First Response Early Result test this morning–they’re the ones that claim that they can tell you that you’re pregnant 6 days before your period and that ALL of their test people got + results 4 days before their expected period.    Well, I got the test wet, took a shower, got out of the shower and only one line.   Another BFN–not that I expected anything else, but was so hoping.

Well, I got home tonight and realized I had left the test on the counter–went to throw it away and there is a very exceptionally faint 2nd line.   At first I thought it was an evaporation line, but I disassembled the test to see the actual strip, and it’s definitely a pink line.    I don’t know of any pink evaporation lines, only blue/grey ones.   However, I still think it should be illegal for this to even happen period.   Someone needs to write a law.

So, now I don’t know what to think.  They tell you to not read those tests after 10 min have passed…probably for this exact reason.   But of course I now have my hopes all up again and will be obsessed with testing until AF shows up.     I will wait til tomorrow, but all I have left are the internet cheapies and no more FRER.   I want to go buy more, but don’t want to waste another $12 on more BFN results.

Wish me luck!

Another one! Wait, make that 2!

Two more friends announced pregnancies today, making that 3 in one week.   On top of that, 3 friends (two co-workers, 1 day care mom) all gave birth this week too.   So much baby news for everyone…everyone but me (and maybe you…if you’re actually reading this.)

I tested this morning and another BFN.   I’m so freaking drained by this whole process.   I just want my period to show up so I can get that part over with, have a true emotional breakdown for an hour or two, and then start over.  

Right now, I just want to be somewhere else.  Somewhere warm, where I can relax and not think about TTC, but can think about blue water, sunshine, and the beach.   I try to mentally relax, but it’s just not the same.   I wish we had some extra money to spend on a quick vaca, but that’s definitely not happening anytime soon as we just found out we OWE the IRS $500 this year.   AARGH.   I need some GOOD NEWS PLEASE!

Winter blues

I cannot get over this overwhelming feeling of wanting to break down and cry at a moment’s notice.  Between a horribly busy month at work, dieting to lose some of these pounds that might be adding to my fertility issues, infertility treatment, hormone side effects, etc…I’m a whole big ball of crazy.   One of those alone would be OK, but when I compound them all it’s overwhelming.    

I tested this morning…couldn’t hold out any longer…and of course it was negative.   AF isn’t supposed to show up until 2/2, so it’s still a few days early.   However, I just don’t have any hope.  I am really having trouble staying positive and thinking “this is the month” when in my heart it feels like nothing is working.    I need a hobby to keep me busy and happy during these crazy times, but then I think that just adds one more thing to my already overflowing plate!  

I get to spend my whole week with my little guy, so that makes me happy.  Except all he wants to do is stay home and play Legos and watch TV.  I want to get out and have some fun.   It’s hard though with a 4 year old–there are only so many activities to do, especially when it’s 15 degrees outside.   Oh well, we will make the best of it!

Jealousy, you are ugly beast

I just found out today that a co-worker and his wife are pregnant AND a friend of mine from high school (not a close friend, as we graduated 15 yrs ago) are pregnant.    The co-worker just had to share the fact they had just decided to start trying and less than a week later, whammo…preggo.    Seriously?    It’s just not fair.   I’m trying to be very excited, but it’s so hard to not break down and cry. 

I have noticed a  difference in my post-ovulation CM this month–it’s thick and almost brownish–so I don’t know what’s up there.   Maybe from a little bit of post-O baby dancing?   Maybe it’s the elusive “implantation bleeding” that it seems like everyone talks about but no one really experiences if you look at the stats.    I’m exhausted, but probably because I got 5 hours of sleep last night and have had a really crappy week.    A little bit of boobie tenderness and some overall bloating in the abdomen.

All signs of impending AF…but I’m still hopeful that it’s not the case…or early pregnancy.   I’m really trying to not test, but it’s soooo hard.   I have never been good at patience or willpower.