A whole lotta nothin’

So, today is hubby’s birthday and I had it in my head that it would be such a wonderful surprise if I woke him up this morning with a positive pregnancy test.   However, God had other plans and I wound up with another BFN.   It’s only 12DPO right now, but I’m still just not getting a good feeling about this cycle at all.   The only “symptoms” that I have are sore breasts and the veins in them seem to be really pronounced and blue.  That’s it.   I’ll test again on Thursday and we’ll see how it goes.

I haven’t gotten my blood test results yet, which kinda irritates me.  I wish they would call just so I know if I should even waste the $ on pregnancy tests anymore.   I guess I could call them, but I have a feeling my doc is out this week.   I definitely do not recommend that anyone does fertility treatment in December–the holidays totally mess everything up.    I only  have one more week to wait for my next infertility appointment, so I guess I’ll find out then.   I’m particularly interested in the results of the A1C, fasting blood glucose, and free insulin.   Even though I haven’t had an ultrasound I’m wondering if PCOS is to blame.   I had gestational diabetes with DS, am overweight, etc…so it would make sense that I am insulin resistant at the least.    I don’t want that to be the answer to what’s going on, but I just want an answer so we can adequately treat the problem at hand!

Symptoms of…???

I have yet to understand why the symptoms of PMS and early pregnancy are so strikingly similar.   It’s so frustrating!   Why can’t there be one set of symptoms for each so it’s easier to figure out when there is a bun in the oven?   It seems like the never ending joke–I take a test in the morning and get the BFN and then the same evening my breasts are sore and tingly, I’m flat out exhausted, and a little bit crampy.    So then I go back to the proverbial question…should I take a test tomorrow or should I continue with my original game plan to wait until Tuesday?   Inevitably, the willpower is not strong enough but I’m going to try really hard not to waste a test tomorrow morning.

Bad idea…

I knew it wasn’t a great idea to take a pregnancy test today.   All day yesterday I surfed the internet and saw all of these beautiful BFP’s at 10 DPO–so I figured why not me too?   I could be one of those lucky ladies too, right???    Wrong…all I got was another BFN and disappointment at 6:00 in the morning.  I now wish I had just stuck with my original idea to not even test until Tuesday–12 DPO and hubby’s birthday.   Even then it will still be really early.   I probably won’t know for sure that I am again not pregnant until I go back to the Dr. on January 5th, which will be CD 35 and definitely game over.

Merry Christmas

Today has been a wonderful day.   DS got way too much loot from Santa, his parents, grandparents, and uncle.   We had a great breakfast, played all morning, spent part of the afternoon playing in the swimming pool in my in-laws’ hotel, and now I am cooking a feast for dinner.   I have so much to be grateful for and thankful for.   We are all happy and healthy, and have the blessing of good jobs and money to buy presents and Christmas dinner.   We truly are blessed.

Here’s the thing–and the reason for this post because I’m sure you’re wondering how this relates to infertility and TTC.    Well, this morning I got it in my head to take a pregnancy test.   Of course it came out as a BFN because it has only been 7 days since ovulation.   Duh!    I thought maybe I would get my Christmas miracle and be happy and glowing all day.   Mind you, I have zero symptoms of pregnancy at all.     I just psyched myself up and wasted a buck by peeing on a stick.   Oh well.   

I am really going to try hard to not test until Tuesday–hubby’s birthday.   I figure that will be 12 DPO, so that has more of a chance of a positive.  If not, I’ll test again on New Years Day (maybe eve) since I’ll need to know if I can drink that champagne.    I have my fingers crossed, but really don’t think it happened again this month.   I’m hopeful that the start of 2010 will be better for us and we can get this baby making thing done.  It would be awesome to have a little one in my arms this time next year!

I can’t BBT

I have heard a lot of stories about women knowing they were pregnant before the positive pregnancy test or the first pregnancy symptom, simply because they saw their temps increase steadily post-ovulation and the temps stayed elevated.    In theory, BBT testing seems so easy–pop the thermometer in your mouth right when you wake up in the morning and write down your result.   The #’s can tell you so much.

For me, not so easy.   First reason–my son is a horrible sleeper.   This past week hasn’t been bad, but it is inevitable that he will get up once or twice during the week, usually at 3 or 4am.   Sometimes a nightmare, or sometimes he’s just up and ready to play.   Either way, remembering to pop the thermometer in my mouth before responding to him is not happening.   Second–if it’s not DS waking me up, it’s myself .  I have a hard time staying asleep past 4:30 some days.  I’ll toss and turn for a while and then just give up and get up.   Today is one of those days.   I have a cold, so I woke up at 4:30 and could not get back to sleep at all because I was so stuffed up and my throat hurt.

However, for the past 2 days I have managed to take my temp first thing and yesterday was 97.6 degrees and today 98.3 degrees.   I guess I can just keep trying this to see what happens, though I’m not going to put too much stock in the results.      I wish I was “normal”–got 8 steady hours of sleep each night, could pop the thermometer in first thing in the morning, etc….but that’s just not my life these days.  Oh how I long for sleep when my kids are teenagers!

2ww is evil

Science needs to come up with a pregnancy test that is accurate 1 DPO becaue this 2WW is absolutely maddening!   I think that I ovulated last Thursday, which means that taking a test on Christmas is basically out of the question as it will only be about 8 DPO and that is way too early to test.   So not only do I have to wait through Christmas, I have to wait about 3-4 extra days also.    My goal is to hold out on testing until 12/29, hubby’s birthday, but I seriously doubt I’ll be able to wait that long!    Hopefully I won’t lose my mind in the meantime.

Overcoming rejection

So, I got two lines again last night and when I approached DH for the babydancing I was flat out rejected.  He had a very long day and was absolutely drained silly and knew that there was no way he was going to be able to function for the baby dance to actually occur.  

I was crushed.  I had a temper tantrum.   I was PISSED OFF.    I know that all of the hormones and Clomid I have been taking have made me very unstable emotionally, and last night I was living proof.   I really thought about throwing glasses, getting in the car and driving away, etc…I scared myself.  It was really not pretty and I’m kind of embarassed today.

I just felt like DH didn’t care at all about what I was going through–the mood swings, hot flashes, acne, depression, blood tests, etc…he doesn’t get what it is like to be me right now.   He doesn’t like having sex on demand.  I don’t blame him, but am trying to communicate that we really don’t have a choice in the matter because we are not like normal couples.

So, we did the baby dance  (BD) the 1st day of the postive OPK, skipped the 2nd day of positive OPK, and then did the baby dance again tonight after I adequately seduced him.  I even skipped my company holiday party just to ensure that I had ample opportunity to BD before he fell asleep tonight.   So, my doc said to BD every other day and that should be adequate.  I just worry that by skipping that one day we might have missed the window.  I took another test tonight and got a negative result, but still have no true idea when I actually ovulated.    If the egg only lives for 12 hours, did we miss it completely?   Did the sperm live long enough?   They say sperm can live for a few days, but somehow I find that hard to believe.

Oh, the dreaded 2WW begins again.  Thankfully, Christmas will be a really great distraction.   DH’s birthday is on the 29th–which would basically be around 11 DPO–and what a fun birthday present a BFP pregnancy test would be.   I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but I would be so excited.   For now, all I can do is wait.

Two lines again…

So I took another OPK test tonight and got two more lines…so I don’t know if this means that I’m still surging and when the big O will actually occur.  We did the BD last night and I’m hoping that I will convince hubby to do it again tonight too.   Maybe tomorrow night for “insurance” too.   I just wonder how soon after the surge the big O actually happens–hopefully we will make the window!

Two lines tonight!

Finally!!! I got a postive result on the OPK!   So I guess CD 16 is the magic day and taking the Clomid one day early did nothing to hasten ovulation at all.   Oh well–live and learn.   I scheduled a follow up appointment with my OB/GYN for January 5th–so if this cycle doesn’t work we can meet to discuss a new game plan.  Or maybe, just maybe it would be my very first prenatal visit.   I’m trying not to get my hopes up again, but seeing that strong (very quick to develop) positive result has renewed my faith.   Maybe we will get a Christmas miracle after all!

Still nothing…

Day 15 and still nothing happening on the OPK’s.  I have no idea what my body is doing right now.   So the question is–did I ovulate early and miss it completely, thinking that it would happen around the same time this month OR am I going to ovulate late OR am I going to ovulate at all?  I know some women on Clomid have very erratic ovulation–CD 14 one cycle, 23 the next, 10 the next.   I don’t like that kind of unpredictability at all.   It definitely doesn’t make my life any easier.  

I’m tired of stressing about peeing on sticks, doing the baby dance (convincing my husband that he wants to!), getting my blood drawn, etc…yesterday was my estradiol check.  We’ll see how that goes.  Unfortunately the progesterone check is on 12/22 so I doubt I will have the results by Christmas.  Maybe that’s a good thing as less than optimal results could try to spoil my Christmas celebration!

I guess I just keep testing and keep the fingers crossed that I get a positive result OR that it already happened and all of the BD’ing over the last week has already done its job.   Trying to think positively!